RUL3S OF D34L1NG W1TH US D1STURB3D B31NGS
by TZPYROP3
Summary: 1V'3 NOT1C3D TH4T M4NY OF YOU HUM4NS N33D 4 R3FR3SH3R ON H4NDL1NG US TROLLS. 1 HOP3 TH1S M3MO S3RV3S 4S 4 SUFF1C13NT GU1D3 DUR1NG YOUR T1M3 OF N33D. TH1S M3MO 1S OP3N FOR D1SCUSS1ON, TH4NK YOU. R4T3D T B3C4US3 1T'S HOM3STUCK, DUMB4SS.
1. Chapter 1: TH3 B4S1CS

**H3LLO SUBSRC1B3RS OF FRU1TY RUMPUS 4SSHOL3 F4CTORY! TH1S 1S 4N 3D1T1ON 1NT3ND3D FOR HUM4NS WHO DO NOT UND3RST4ND TH3 3XT3NT OF OUR 1NS4NITY (TROLLS 4ND HUM4NS 4L1K3). W4RN1ING: TH1S STORY 1S R4T3D T FOR K4RKL3S' L4NGU4G3. NOT M34NT FOR TH3 F41NT OF H34RT (TH4T K1ND4 SOUNDS L1K3 4 H3RO T1TL3...).**

**1 DO NOT OWN HOM3STUCK 4ND 1 GOT TH3 ID34 FROM 'RULES OF LIVING WITH THE FLOCK'.**

**1 HOP3 YOU T4K3 TH3S3 GU1D3L1N3S TO H34RT. **

**-T3R3Z1 PYROP3 **

**(P.S.-1 W1LL CH4NG3 MY TYP1NG QU1RK FOR TH3 S4K3 OF IGNOR4NT HUM4N M1NDS. YOUR W3LCOM3)**

1. Never, EVER insult my or Nepeta's drawings.

Karkat: I DID ONCE. WORST FUCKING DECISION OF MY LIFE.

Kanaya: He Woke Up The Next Morning An Unsightly Shade Of Pink. We Don't Know How They Managed It But Nepeta Made Certain To Draw KarkatxEridan Shippings All Over The Hive.

Eridan: I didn't enjoy it!I swwear!

Terezi: YOU ST1NK OF D3C31T.

2. John, stop trying to suck Aradia into a vacuum cleaner.

Dave: I don't care how ironic it is, just stop it.

Sollux: 2eriiously, 2he doe2n't enjoy beiing trapped iin a jar ju2t two fulfiill your de2iire2 of beiing a gho2tbu2ter.

Aradia: 0h, it's fine. I'm 0kay with it. I'm 0kay with a l0t 0f things n0w.

Sollux: 2hoo2h now, Aradiia. You don't know what you want.

Aradia: 0_0

3. Never steal Rose's diary (Kanaya, this means you)

Rose: Kanaya dear, are you aware of the whereabouts of my diary?

Kanaya: I'm Sorry Rose, I Can't Say That I-

Rose: *grimdark mode* Kanaya, I will ask once more. Where. Is. My. DIARY?

Kanaya: Ah! That Diary! Over There In That Pile Of Clothes. Please Don't Hurt Me.

4. Do not put fly paper outside of Tavros' door. Regardless to some people's belief (*cough cough* Vriska *cough*), this may be damaging to his self-esteem.

Tavros: rUFIO SAYS I SHOULD,uH STAY AWRE FROM PEOPLE WHO,uH DO THINGS LIKE THAT.

Vriska: Awwwwwwww, come on now. That w8s fucking hil8rious!

Gamzee: SoRrY, mY sIsTeR. wE dOn'T wAnT tO bE aLl MeSsInG wItH tHe MoThErFuCkInG fLoW oF hIs AuRa AnD sHiT.

Vriska: ::::(

5. Do not take Equius to see RomComs.

Karkat: He gave a whole new meaning to my 'sweater'.

Jade: It took me three whole days to get that thing clean! I am never doing your laundry again!

6. Do not take Feferi to a public pool.

Feferi: T)(ey poison t)(e WAT-ER! Wit)( 'c)(lorine'!

Terezi: SH3 TR13D BR34TH3 UND3RW4T3R 4ND C4M3 UP W1TH 3Y3S 4S R3D 4S MY OWN.

Equius: D- I offered her a towel but...

Feferi: I told him where he should put it instead.

Equius: D-Profanities from such a highblood... *shudders*.

7. Never, even TASTE, Gamzee's pie.

*JADE WALKS IN ON TEREZI PAINTING DAVE'S FACE RED, NEPETA EATING THE COUCH, TAVROS FACE DOWN A TRASH CAN, KARKAT RUNNING IN CIRCLES SCREAMING, AND SOLLUX USING HIS EYES TO CREATE A STROBE EFFECT. MEANWHILE ARADIA IS CONTINUOUSLY BUMPING INTO A WALL WHILE FEFERI, KANAYA, ROSE, JOHN, AND ERIDAN ARE SEEING WHO CAN ACT THE MOST FUCKED UP. EQUIUS IS SOBBING INTO A TOWEL*

Jade: Holy fucking-

Gamzee: ShOoSh, My LiTtLe SiStEr. It'S fOr ThE bEsT.

8. Do not give Nepeta a cat.

Terezi: 1 G4V3 H3R ON3 ONC3, TO B3 N1C3.

Kanaya: After A Week Of Being Shown Revolting Pictures Of Her New Kitten, We Thought We Had Seen The Last Of This Obsession.

Rose: We were wrong.

Karkat: FOR A FEW DAYS SHE WAS NOWHERE TO BE FOUND. WE THOUGHT SHE HAD FINALLY KILLED THE POOR THING AND WAS MOURNING OVER THE LITTLE BEAST.

Sollux: the next morniing ii went to check on her and a2 2oon a2 ii opened her door ii wa2 viiciiou2ly mauled by a total of 22 kiitten2 and one jaguar.

Nepeta: :33 Ocelot!

Sollux: whatever.

9. Karkat, stop telling Rose she has to date John in order for her species to survive.

Kanaya: Hissssss!

John: Ah!

10. Bucket.

All: NO.

* * *

**TH4T 3NDS TOD4Y'S M3MO. 1T COV3RS 4 F3W B4S1C SURV1V4L SK1LLS 4ND 1S 4 B1T SHORT BUT 1 W1LL M4KE SUR3 TO UPD4T3 QU1CKLY. 4LSO, 3QU1US'S L1TTL3 BOW 4ND 4RROWS DON'T WORK SO JUST TRY TO 1M4G1N3 TH3M.**

**-T3R3ZI PYROP3 **


	2. Chapter 2: HUM4N R3PRODUCT1ON

**TH1S 1S L3SS OF 4 GU1D3 4ND MOR3 OF 4 R3PORT FOR 4 PR3V1OUS COMM3NT.**

**4 C4S3 F1L3, 1F YOU W1LL, ON WHY 1 W1LL N3V3R 4G41N 4SK 4BOUT TH3 PROCC3SS OF HUM4N R3PRODUCT1ON.**

**-T3R3Z1 PYROP3**

F1RST 4TT3MPT OF BR33CH1NG TH3 SUBJ3CT. M4K3 SUR3 TO B3 T4CTFUL ON YOUR 4PPRO4CH.

Terezi: H3Y! H3Y D4V3! HOW DO HUM4NS R3PRODUC3?

Dave: By rapping.

Terezi: WH4-?

Dave: Rapping.

S3COND 4TT3MPT. P3RH4PS ROS3 W1LL B3 4BL3 TO 3NL1GHT3N M3.

Terezi: *creeps up behind Rose* R4P.

Rose: *jumps, her book sent flying* What..?

Terezi: D4V3 TOLD M3 TH4T HUM4NS R3PRODUC3 BY R4PP1NG.

Rose: Is that so? Well, I believe he was merely trying to prank-

John: Did someone say 'prank'?

Terezi: Y3S 4S 4 M4TT3R OF F4CT W3 D1D. KNOW T3LL M3 HOW HUM4NS R3PRODUC3.

John: Aah! *absconds*

*pretty much every single troll wanders in*

Karkat: OKAY, WHO WAS KILLED THIS TIME? I HEARD SCREAMING.

Rose: Terezi was wondering how humans reproduce.

Vriska: Ooooooooh! I'm practically an expert on th8t! Here, let me explain:

(enter disturbing and rather nasty content here)

Equius: D- I..need a towel.

Nepeta: Can I uncover my ears now, Equius?

Eridan: Hey Fef-

Feferi: -EW! NO!

Vriska: HA! Your f8ces! ::::D

Rose: That's not quite how I would have explained it.

Dave: No, no. she did fine.

Kanaya: That...Was Not Very Classy.

Sollux: ew! gro22! and ii thought bucket2 were bad!

Tavros: uH,i FELL OVER. cOULD,uH,sOMEONE HELP ME UP.

Gamzee: *totally stoned* mOtHeRfUcK...

Aradia: 0_0

Aradia: I'm 0kay with it...I think.

Terezi: 1, UH...WOW. 1'M GONN4 GO R3PORT TH1S NOW.

**C4S3 CLOS3D (S33 TH3 TROUBL3 YOU PUT M3 THROUGH?)**

**-T3R3Z1 PYROP3**

**(P.S.-1F YOU H4V3 4NY QU3ST1ONS ON WH4T TO DO 1N C3RT41N SC3N4R1OS W1TH TROLLS, 1'D B3 H4PPY TO H3LP!)**


	3. Chapter 3: B4CK TO TH3 B4S1CS

**1 4M V3RY 4PPR3C14T1V3 TOW4RDS TH3 R3SPOND3RS TO TH1S M3MO! 1 4M TRY1NG TO UPD4T3 3V3RY BUT TH4T W1LL CH4NG3 1N 4UGUST. TH3 HUM4NS 4R3 3NROLL1NG US 1N 4 'H1GH' SCHOOL. DO H4V3 TO DO SOM3TH1NG TO G3T 1NTO 4 'H1GH' SCHOOL? HOW 'H1GH' DO YOU H4V3 TO B3?**

**-T3R3Z1 PYROP3**

* * *

Rule 11. Do not give Vriska any Duct Tape.

Vriska: The am8zing spider girl lies in w8t for her ignorant prey.

Karkat:GAH!FUCKYOUSPIDERBITCHYOUFUCKINGASSHOLEIWIL LKILLYOUFORTHISDUMBASSSCORPIOGOGDAMMITDUMBASSPRANK SFUCKYOUVRISKA!

Vriska: ::::)

Rule 12: Do not let Eridan get lonely. This can cause both mental, social, and physical harm.

Eridan: Aradia dearest, could you find it in your heart to care for me in any quadrant you desire?

Aradia: I d0n't have a heart.

Eridan: Landwweller, I havve decided to ignore your hideously loww blood color to be your matesprite.

Dave: Ew, no.

Eridan: Fef-

Feferi: Go fuck yourself

Eridan: Nyeh

Eridan: Rose human, I havve wwritten this lovve letter as a token of my- wwhat are you doin'?

Rose: *tosses letter into fire* The gods of the furthest ring required a sacrifice. I figured that your 'declaration of love' to me sufficed.

Eridan: *attaches himself to Nepeta's jacket* Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepl easepleasepleaseplease!

Nepeta: :33 Hisss! :(

Eridan: Tavros wwill you-Wwhoa!

*Tavros's wheelchair is sent down an escalator*

Eridan: Oh. Shit.

(Two rolls of duct tape and some frosting later, Tavros got his horn back on)

Eridan: Wwell, you're my last resort, tz...

Terezi: TH4T 4LMOST HURTS. 4ND NO, 1 W1LL NOT GO OUT W1TH YOU.

Eridan: I just wwanted to borroww a pen!

Terezi: :(

Rule 13. Dave, it was your responsibility to keep Jade away from Nepeta!

Jade: Woof!

Nepeta: :33 Fssssssssst!

Rule 14. Kanaya, no one appreciates your attempts to make a PBJ sandwich with Tavros and Gamzee's blood.

Gamzee: iT aIn'T...mOtHeRfUcKiNg...RiGhT.

Kanaya: Hmph.

Rule 15. Art offs are forever banned.

Terezi: I DON'T W4NT TO K33P HURT1NG 3V3RYON3'S F33L1NGS WH3N 4 BL1ND G1RL B34TS TH31R 4SS3S.

Rule 16. Songs banned:

The F-R-I-E-N-D Song: Once was enough, Karkat

Doctor Who Theme Song: Dave, Aradia, nobody wants to listen to you go DOOOOOOO-WEEEEEEEEE-OOOOOOOOO all day long.

Karkalicious: Eridan, stop.

Spiderpig song: Tavros, you may find it funny now, but sooner or later Vriska is going to seriously injure you. Again.

Dirty Night Clown: Actually Gamzee, just don't sing. You're too high to sing. Almost as high as a soprano. (Dave: badum, ching)

I'm a Bitch: Never mind. You can go on singing that if you wish, Vriska. It's quite fitting.

RULE 17. FUCK YOU ALL. I HOPE YOU DIE.

Terezi: Aww, I hope you god tier too, Karkles. Now get off my fucking computer.

Rule 18. Don't have Equius sweep the house.

John: We've been through a total of 47 Brooms of Zillywho. Andrew Hussie is starting to get upset.

Karkat: FUCK, JOHN! WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT BREAKING FOURTH WALL?

Rule 19. No more of this support group shit, Rose. You're just as fucked up as the rest of us.

Rule 20. Don't put glue on Dave's glasses.

John: He won't get mad or anything, it just won't make a difference.

Karkat: HE DOESN'T TAKE THE THOSE DAMN THINGS OFF, EVER.

Jade: They spent an entire month stalking Dave until realizing it was never going to happen. What I'm wondering is how they got the glue ON the glasses in the first place...

* * *

**TH4T 3NDS TH3 B4S1C GU1D3L1N3S 1N TH1S H4NDBOOK. TOMORROW, W3 ST4RT GO1NG THROUGH HOW TO D34L W1TH US 1ND1V1DU4LLY, GO1NG 1N BLOOD ORD3R. W3'R3 ST4RT1NG W1TH M3G1DO! (K4RK4T W1LL B3 L4ST S1NC3 H3 DO3SN'T W4NT M3 R3V34L1NG H1S BLOOD COLOR)**

**-T3R3Z1 PYROP3**


	4. Chapter 4: TH3 M41D OF T1M3

**1 OWN NOTH1NG. 3XC3PT TH3 4RT BUT TH4T'S 1T.**

**L4D13S 4ND G3NTL3TROLLS, 4R4D14 M3G1DO!**

* * *

Rule 21. Aradia, stop trying to possess people( and trolls).

Dave: You won't succeed. I have a will of iron.

Jade: I finished the apple juice!

Dave: Hell yea-! I mean, maybe later Harley.

Rule 22. Aradia is banned from going trick or treating.

Gamzee: sOrRy SiS, yOuR cOsTuMe Is ToO mOtHeRfUcKiNg ReAlIsTiC.

Rule 23: Feferi, stop trying to get Aradia to play Princess and the Frog.

Feferi: Once upon a maid of time, there was a princess by the name of F-EF-ERI!. One day this princess came across reely strange frog!

Aradia: Ribbit.

Feferi: The princess thought the frog was hideous and kicked its face in on porpoise! Glub glub!

Aradia: Fuck you, S0llux is mine.

Rule 24. Someone please make sure Gamzee doesn't pour sopor slime in Aradia's circuitry again.

_*PCHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!*_

Karkat: WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT? JOHN?

John: No not me this time. *points to Aradia shaped hole in the wall*

*both peek through the hole*

Aradia: THE SPIRITS ARE BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK. *smiles creepily and starts trying to kill herself with carrot sticks. Again*

Karkat: WHAT. THE EVERLOVING FUCK. DID I JUST WITNESS?

Rule 25. (To alive Aradia) All 'interesting artifacts' you find must be cleaned PROPERLY and stored AWAY from the living spaces.

Terezi: W3 C4N'T H4V3 4NY MOR3 CURS3D OBJ3CTS F4LL1NG 1NTO VR1SK4'S POSS3S1ON. YOU B4S1C4LLY C4US3D YOUR OWN D3M1S3 1N TH4T R3SP3CT.

Rule 26. No more using Aradia's eyes for your rave party purposes. Nobody likes being a strobe light.

Eridan: Fuck you! Wwe ravve wwhen wwe wwant!

Terezi: H3Y! 1 THOUGHT TH3 R4V3 P4RT13S W3R3 GR34T! UNT1L 1 GOT MY 3Y3S1GHT B4CK...

Rule 27. Sollux, stop trying to program Aradia to lick Nepeta's shipping wall!

Terezi: TH4T'S MY JOB!

Nepeta: :33 it was yooooooooooooooou. *ac squints menacingly at the furocious beast*

Terezi: FUCK TH1S SH1T, 1'M 4 DR4GON.

Rule 28. Aradia, yelling 'FUCK Y0U I'M DEAD' is not a very effective comeback.

Aradia: FUCK Y0U I'M DEAD.

Rule 29. I don't care what anyone else thinks, I think she makes the perfect firealarm.

Aradia: BEE-DO-BEE-DO-BEE-DO-BEE-DO-BEE-DO-BEE-DO-BEE-DO-B EE-DO-BEE-DO-BEE-DO-BEE-DO-BEE-DO-BEE-DO-BEE-DO-BE E-DO-BEE-DO-BEE-DO-BEE-DO-BEE-DO-BEE-

Karkat: RADDA RADDA!

Aradia: 0_0

Rule 30. I'm sorry Rose, but (alive) Aradia is just not someone you leave to take care of your cat.

*Rose comes in to find the room filled part-way with malk, green and red blood streaked on the walls, couches torn to bits, catnip stuck on the ceiling, Aradia tied up with lilac yarn, and Nepeta using Jaspers as a paint brush for her shipping grid.*

Nepeta: :33 she struggled fur hours befur i subdued her. Don't worry, I took good care of him!

*Jaspers promptly blew up, seven lives left*

* * *

**NO, 1 W1LL NOT STOP L1CK1NG H3R M41D OF T1M3 OUTF1T. 3NOUGH S41D.**

**N3XT 3DT1T1ON W1LL B3 D3D1C4T3D TO T4VROS. 4NY QU3ST1ONS ON H1M, 1F 4NY, W1LL B3 4NSW3R3D TH3N.**

**YOUR'S D3L1C1OUSLY-1 M34N TRULY, **

**T3R3Z1 PYROP3**


	5. Chapter 5: TH3 P4G3 OF BR34TH

**POOR, SW33T T4VROS. 3V3N H3 H4S GU1D3L1N3S W3 N33D TO FOLLOW.**

* * *

Rule 31. (TailsDoll13: Dear Tavros, Why are you so adorable?) Despite popular belief, complimenting Tavros is not improving his self-esteem.

Tavros: vRISKA,,uH,,wILL MAKE IT WORSE IF SHE FINDS OUT I FEEL BETTER ABOUT MYSELF.

Vriska: Oh Toreadumb8ss!

Tavros: *waves* sEE YOU IN HELL.

Rule 32. (GrimdarkPrincess: Please make my PBJ dreams come true)

Kanaya: (hands GrimdarkPrincess Blood PBJ sandwich) I Was Going To Keep The Sandwich For Myself But You Can Have It.

Rose: *facepalm x2 combo* Kanaya, noooooooooooooooo.

GrimdarkPrincess: ERMERGERD I'LL TAKE IT ANYWAYS.

Rule 33. Do not play fiduspawn with Tavros.

Sollux: iit'2 ju2t 2tupiid.

Rule 34. Gamzee, Tavros is in no danger of having his elbows set on fire, no matter what the red balloon says.

Gamzee: tHaT bLaSpHeMoUs TrAiToR! :o(

Rule 35. Equius, stop calling Tavros a mudblood.

Draco Malfoy: Don't listen to them, you're doing just fine.

Terezi: G3T OUT OF H3R3!

Harry Potter: Where the fuck am I?

John: Let me tell you abou-

Hermoine Grainger: Okay we'll leave. Just don't tell us about homestuck

John: :(

Rule 36. Don't include any other fandoms in this fanfic.

Doctor: I'LL DO WHAT I FUCKING WANT. I'M IMMORTAL.

Italy: (uncharacteristically flips Terezi off)

Terezi: WOW, 4SSHOL3S.

(masses of fandoms descend upon the poor troll)

Terezi: 8O

Rule 37. Do not allow Tavros on escalators.

Terezi: DO 1 3V3N N33D TO S4Y TH1S?

Rule 38. All sick fires must be kept at a down low. There have been reports of psychological damage in the human society.

Dave: Please, it hurts me to see rappers like that.

Karkat: IT'S THE FIRST TIME I'VE EVER SEEN STRIDER LOSE HIS COOL, THE DIPSHIT.

Rule 39: Never FLARP with T8vros. The idiot is too weak to even fight for himself!

Terezi: B1TCH DO YOU W4NN4 GO?

Vriska: Too 8ad you can't kill me again!

Terezi: ...

Nepeta: :33 jegus, touchy subject vriskers, shut the furrick up.

Rule 39.5. Do NOT keep stealing Tavros's computer and making him say shit.

Tavros: i'M,,uH,,a BIG IDIOT WHO CAN'T,,uH,,dERRRRRRRR,,fIGHT LIKE A TROLL.

Terezi: NO R3SP3CT 1N TH1S TOWN.

Vriska: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. :::;) You know you miss me.

Rule 40. Past Feferi, this may be hard for you to understand but when you are paralyzed from waist down, it is a little difficult to swim.

Feferi: Ridiculous! He can learn! He just needs some PRACTIC-E!

Aradia: Last time he 'practiced', you threw him t0ward the water, missed, and ended up having him get his h0rns stuck in the sand. That's n0t 0kay.

Eridan: Wwhat are you talkin about? He wwas flopping upside dowwn like a glubbin fish for an hour. It wwas fuckin hilarious!

* * *

**LUCK1LY, N1TR4M 1S 34SY 3NOUGH TO D34L W1TH. HOW3V3R, N3XT W3 W1LL D1SCUSS TH3 GO1NG ONS OF SOLLUX C4PTOR, TH3 B1POL4R B33.**

**BUT 1 H4V3 F41TH 1N YOU FRU1TY RUMPUS 4SSHOL3 P4RTY-GO3RS. M4YB3 1'LL H4V3 SP3C14L M3MO FOR TH3 PURPOS3 OF D4NC3 P4RT13S. ;)**

**HOW3V3R SOM3ON3 3LS3 MUST BR1NG TH3 SN4CKS (NO F4YGO, 1'M 1N R3H4B). DO3S 4NYON3 H4V3 SOPOR SL1M3 4LL3RG13S? OR 4 D4NC1NG D1S4B1L1TY?**

**CONC3RN3D 4BOUT H3R SUBSCR1B3R'S H34LTH 4ND TH3 UPCOM1NG F13ST4,**

**T3R3Z1 PYROP3. :)**

**(P.S. NOW 4CC3PT1NG QU3ST1ONS ON D34L1NG W1TH SOLLUX C4PTOR.)**

**(P.P.S 1 4POLOG1Z3 FOR TH3 SHORT H14TUS, YOU'LL F1ND OUT WHY 1N TH3 N3XT UPD4T3, WH3N3V3R TH4T W1LL B3.)**

**(P.P.P.S TH3S3 M3MOS 4R3 G41N1NG M3MB3RS! 1 4PPR3C14T3 34CH 4ND 3V3RY ON3 OF YOU P4RTY-GO3RS!)**

**(P.P.P.P.S WH4T DO3S P.S 3V3N ST4ND FOR?)**


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